My love affair with social paralysis

The fact is that I am still growing into the person that I shall become and I feel that this involves growing out of the expectations that I have of people, including even myself and how we invest ourselves in each other. 

I'm learning that these experiences can have negative and wonderful effects on who I am, which in turn develops my social paralysis further because I have an ideal of how people should treat each other and slowly for better or for worse-I have learnt that it can never be perfect. So, this post is dedicated to the stuttering, mumbling messes of social interaction who are not the cutesy awkward Zooey Deschanel type but an odd jumble of long silences and interrupter of deep conversations.    You are my people. 

I could write a dissertation on the amount of terribly debilitating social paralysis that has occurred within my lifetime which has caused people to literally physically dance/ jazz hand their way out of a conversation- all whilst looking at me like I have a Lady Gaga style shrimp hat on my head. But, this exercise in self deprecation  although humorous, would probably just open a Pandora's box of awkwardness that would make David Brent look like a pageant Queen of conversation. Instead, I thought I would write about how I grew to love (still in process) my horrible conversation starters-'So, How's it hanging? ' and my incessant ranting with nearly complete strangers.                                                                                                                                       Well, where to start, I think it's just embracing the notion that as cliche ridden as it sounds no one is you and this means that every socially awkward bone in you has your trademark. Embrace yourself, especially the 'flaws' that people seem to dislike so much because these flaws will fade and sometimes will grow into something that is beautiful and rare.
 People are just as manically awkward as you are- they just hide it in a more impressive fashion. An important factor in embracing your blundering self is knowing that everyone around you has these gawky ticks- by knowing this, I feel that the daunting task of introducing yourself at a house party becomes a level footing-even if it feels like you are a fish out of water.
On a practical note, if you are gripped by silence when you meet with a new acquaintance and it feels like an eternity before you can say something, this ones for you. Don't twiddle your thumbs and wait for the other person to say something- chances are they are probably thinking the same thing, just...GO FOR IT. It's a simple solution that often I push to the back of my mind because it's feels like a nose dive into social Siberia if you make the first move for conversation. But, in all honesty when you handle a conversation, even if it falls flat into an inferno of deliberate coughing to mask silence it will feel like a victory. These small achievements are fleeting but to an introvert like myself they are in all honesty the all singing, all dancing style finale of Mamma Mia feel good moment of that party/lecture/life in general even if it ends with a shuffling away.
Soundtracks are also important, music is a beautiful remedy for violently nervous nodding and heart pounding muteness.
This playlist is for your powerwalk into what feels like a trap, the songs for when you feel like you have no voice at all and the late night walks after a house party where you were the life and soul of the party.

  1  Power-Kanye West                                                                2  One way or another- Blondie                                          3  Go your own way- Fleetwood Mac                            4  Freakum dress-Beyonce                                                     5  I'm the best- Nicki Minaj                                                     6  Werkin' Girls-Angel Haze                                                   7  Let's Dance-David Bowie                                                    8  Hit me with your best shot-Pat Benatar                    9  Infinity Guitars-Sleigh Bells                                          10  Cherrybomb-The Runaways                                           11  Take me as I am-Au Revoir Simone 

'Be yourself. The world worships the original'. - Ingrid Bergman

Never let go

“She quietly expected great things to happen to her, and no doubt that’s one of the reasons why they did.” - Zelda Fitzgerald

I have always known that I have wanted to write, it was a tiny spark of reading that grew; then i picked up a pen. It's not enough to just let it lie dormant but writing is something I use to explore the uncharted emotions that I cannot articulate out loud. I've realised that  writing can outline the small places in your heart that you didn't even knew existed, it has also made me see how this is what I want to continue to do. Doubt always creeps through and it always seems to be the most all-consuming emotion and it always feels like I should just give up, that it's not worth it but; it's always worth it. It will always feel better  when you fight for your voice to be heard (as cheesy as that sounds) So here is a small guide for when that little voice tells you that it's never going to happen;                                  

 1  There is no such thing as a right decision- The right decision in hindsight is a myth, obviously decisions have clear cut; good and bad consequences but there is never a well worn path to success and in that moment...you can only consider what's best for yourself  at that time. 

2 Mistakes can be the right way forward- Just because things didn't work out the way you envisioned, does not mean that it can't lead to something greater. Success shouldn't be defined in a generic, small minded way- that it's the achievement of popularity or money. To me, Success is defined by doing something you love and if that doesn't grow straight away, it's not failure but  it just didn't happen the first time.  

3 So many people have taken the path less traveled to Success- Mindy Kaling; She started off as a production assistant on the 'Crossing Over with John Edward psychic show' and just worked on her art by writing the play; 'Matt and Ben' and getting her first big break in The Office and she is now producing and writing the fabulous 'Mindy Project.'  
Miranda July; She dropped out of college at 16, but kept making Art and found her way into books, films and independent Art. Then she made her charming directorial debut with 'Me, You and everyone we Know' in 2005- winning the Camera d'Or.                          
Tina Fey; She worked in a number of improv groups including: The Second City in 1997 then submitted a few scripts to Saturday Night Live who then hired her as a writer. Fey originally struggled at SNL and she later went on to be SNL's  first female head writer and created and wrote 30 Rock and Mean Girls; both iconic and wonderful.  
    
4 Don't believe that these stories are for the selected few- Sometimes it feels like it's only a small amount of  people that make through but never believe that this is true; I truly believe that if you are passionate about your art and continue to do what you love- it will feel like you have found success already. Even if it's not what people perceive as living successfully; you have to believe that your story is one that will be heard and never let go of that.      

 

I feel it all

Sensitivity; A person's feelings which might be easily hurt or touched. It has always been a defining nature within me, this is in equal measure-a blessing and a downfall. My experiences have shaped the way I feel, into someone that can bruise easily; one small word can send my mind into a free falling frenzy.                                     It's the kind of feeling where every tiny remark is analysed until the point where my heart is a hindrance to any truth of what the person originally intended. All of this is known as an affliction of weakness in the eyes of a lot of people; but for myself, I feel it is a component in my identity which is still being formed; a part that slowly I am beginning to love and a tender strength that allows me to be open.   

As Max Andrew Dubinsky says: " My condition isn't for the meek or the weak of stomach. I've loved and lost and lost again, more times than any man should. It's hard to find someone when you can't keep your cards close to your chest. What's the point of keeping anything close to your chest when the very thing you're trying to conceal is exposed and dirty and bruised for all to see?."  (from the short story 'The boy with his heart on his sleeve and the girl who tried to fix him.')                                                                                    

 It's easy to be closed off and keep your emotions inward but it takes strength to feel it all, to embrace the pitfalls that come with the courage of being true to your feelings and not just the inward but the outer acceptance of this of showing how you truly feel. 
I may be an open book, but I earnestly aim to make the pages I show reflect the tender self that I am. 
                              

Finding my Voice

This post was inspired by Nick Drake's rather lovely song 'One of these things first'; 
I could be 

Yours so true
I would be
I should be
Through and through

I could have been
One of these things first

The beauty of this inspiration that i felt even though Nick Drake is a stranger to me he wrote something that speaks so much into my life within this world it's so easy to overlook the simple unity which words can bring fro stranger to stranger.                                                               In this way i want this blog to bring together similar voices through the words i write although these lyrics flawlessly describe how despite everything the words that i write is still a mouldable, unformed, murmer of the voice that I want to become.                                                      This journey is the uncharted territories of writing to discover the loud shout of my heart and by doing this I feel like I let go of tiny fragments of myself to others. This is what makes writing so perilous is that your writing is your heart and people can see the inner workings of you; the flaws, the anger and the delicate beauty.                                                                                                                              

For me, writing is about sharing all of these aspects of myself that i cannot speak out and having the courage to step out and say; this is all of me.